Cross-Cultural Relationships ft. Gene Hsu: What ABCs Actually Need to Know | Real You Mandarin Podcast EP07

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When Gene Hsu and I sat down to talk about cross-cultural relationships, we realized this is one of those topics where the cultural gaps show up long before the language gaps do. Gene is an American-Born Chinese (ABC) like me, but his personal experience with marriage across cultures gave us a conversation I wasn't expecting, and vocabulary I definitely didn't know.

When the Problem Isn't Language, It's Values

What makes this episode unique is that Gene isn't a Chinese teacher. He's a fellow ABC who grew up in Georgia and became a cross-cultural management consultant and mediator. He's also been married twice, first to someone from Taiwan and then to someone from mainland China. Because he's comfortably bilingual, there was no language barrier in either relationship. But the cultural clashes? Those were enormous.

Gene made a point that really surprised me. He said the cultural differences between Taiwan and mainland China, especially when it comes to marriage customs and values, are actually much bigger than most people assume. From the outside, we think "they both speak Mandarin, so it's basically the same culture." But Gene's experience showed that Taiwan's more Westernized approach to things like wedding customs and family expectations is vastly different from mainland traditions, where certain customs and rituals around marriage cannot be overlooked.

The Moment Everything Changed

One of the most memorable stories Gene shared was about his current wife's shift in behavior right after they got married. Before the wedding, she was easygoing and deferred to him on everything. But what Gene didn't realize was that in her mind, until they had completed all the traditional marriage customs, he was still an outsider. The day they got married, her entire attitude toward him changed 180 degrees. Suddenly, he was family, which meant he was now hers - which came with its own set of changes in how "easygoing" she continued to be.

For Gene, this was confusing at first because his first marriage to a Taiwanese woman didn't come with these same expectations. It took him time to understand that these behaviors weren't personal. They were deeply cultural. And the path through it wasn't to "solve" the problem. Gene actually pointed out that the better word in Chinese isn't 解決 / 解决 / jiě jué / to solve, but rather to "face" or 面對 / 面对 / miàn duì the difference with accommodation and empathy.

Why This Matters for ABCs

What I appreciated most about this conversation is that Gene isn't coming at this as a teacher or therapist. He's an ABC who has lived it. He's navigated the space between American directness and the Chinese concept of 給面子 / 给面子 / gěi miàn zi / giving face in his own marriage and then helped friends going through similar situations. His perspective on how giving face can look like dishonesty to a Western partner, but is actually a deep expression of respect in Chinese culture, was one of those insights that shifted how I think about things.

Gene is now a stay-at-home dad writing children's books about cross-cultural understanding. His book "What Do You Say to A Friend From China?" is available on Amazon and aimed at helping the next generation navigate these cultural gaps earlier.

Key Vocab From This Episode

跨文化關係 / 跨文化关系 | kuà wén huà guān xì (cross-cultural relationship)

價值觀 / 价值观 | jià zhí guān (values)

分歧 | fēn qí (differences / disagreements)

包容 | bāo róng (to be accommodating / tolerant)

同理心 | tóng lǐ xīn (empathy)

面對 / 面对 | miàn duì (to face, i.e., a problem or situation)

給面子 / 给面子 | gěi miàn zi (to give face / show respect)

好聚好散 | hǎo jù hǎo sàn (amicable separation)

These are all words from the actual episode, not textbook vocabulary, but the kind of words that come up when you're talking about real life in Mandarin.

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